There is no such thing as perfect parenting. That’s the relieved view of Becky Kennedy, aka Dr. Becky, who considers herself “a clinical psychologist who has become a disruptor in the field of parenting support,” she says. Fortune. There is effective parenting though. “And the key to effective parenting… is what I call firm leadership,” she says.
Her model of powerful leadership, as taught through her coaching business Good Inside, is about helping parents understand their role and their child, and how to then help their children build the skills they need in life. “Not just to improve behavior, but to actually be fully functioning, successful adults,” the mother tells children ages 7, 10 and 13.
A big part of this type of parenting is preparing your child for a resilient, confident and successful future, Kennedy emphasizes. And you do this by “optimizing for your child’s long-term resilience,” she says.
Here, Kennedy explains how to maintain this approach in everyday parenting.
“There are times when I’m optimizing my children’s happiness in the short term,” Kennedy admits. “I’m human and sometimes I think, ‘You know what? Fine, then have an ice cream for breakfast.’”
But some percentage of the time, she points out, parents have to be “long-term greedy,” which means it’s important to consider your children’s future — and they’re likely to be with you longer neighborhood than before. I will be with you.
“I believe the stakes are only going to get higher,” she says. “I also believe that the best gift I could ever give my child is the ability to deal with difficult things – to have skills to deal with what life throws your way, and to know that you can get through difficult situations.”
That’s what Kennedy believes gives children a “greater head start in life” than anything else. “Life is hard… And our children don’t get skills to deal with difficult things as a birthday present. They don’t get them by reading a book. You get them by practicing those skills over and over again.”
Finding difficult situations that can teach your kids about resilience isn’t the hardest part. “You don’t have to insert difficult moments – they can’t do a puzzle, they’re having trouble with their math homework, they’re not invited to the party,” says Kennedy, illustrating how they end up on a regular video. all the time.
What is difficult, however, is not stepping in to solve the difficult moments for your children, whom you don’t like to see struggling or feeling upset.
“If I optimize for short-term comfort, I’m going to fix the situation,” says Kennedy. And by doing that for your child, she says, “they’re starting the fight with an immediate solution.” In other words, “Their body says, ‘I got left out of a party; my mother threw me a bigger party than that child’s birthday.’ ‘I can’t do the puzzle; my father finished it for me.’” And by intervening in this way, you create a set of expectations for your child in the world, she explains.