- Ben Maddern, 51, became a stay-at-home dad to his children, a four-year-old boy and a one-year-old girl.
- He was previously a police officer and founder of the Strongman competition in South Australia.
- He said he has learned more about himself in the past four years than he has in the 20 years of his career.
This as told essay is based on a conversation with Ben Maddern, stay-at-home dad and founder of the Strongman competition in South Australia. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Four years ago, at age 47, I embarked on a huge life change: I sold my business, quit my job, and became a stay-at-home dad for the first time. It’s been a huge change for me and I’ve learned more about myself in the last few years than I ever have in my career.
In 2005, when I was 38 years old, I founded the Strongman competition in South Australia and won the title several times. Then I became a coach for athletes and CEOs.
When my partner and I discussed having children and who would be the primary caregiver, it made sense for me to do so. She has a career in the financial world; I had my own business that was easier to leave, so I sold the Strongman brand, and I know I can go back to coaching clients once the kids are in school.
In many ways, I had reached the peaks of professional success with a thriving business and client base, so I was ready to take on a new challenge: being a stay-at-home dad.
Parenting is a completely new challenge for me
I had previously been a police officer for 20 years, so I thought I was pretty much prepared for anything. I just thought, yeah, I’ll give it a try! But then I was definitely not as aware of the demands of parenthood as I am now.
As a police officer you are not minding your own business. Initially my approach, from my experience in that field and the more macho Strongman perspective I came from in my other work, was: let’s attack this; let us prosper and progress. However, parenthood has taught me that this approach won’t work. It’s more personal and while there is no off switch, you also have to be very patient. Things often don’t go the way you would like, and you have no control over that.
You also don’t have complete control over your children. You can only offer guidance, be a mentor and give them love. Often they will just say no. You need to show them that you are the parent and that you will set the boundaries, even if they don’t like it. But you also have to accept them, even if you question their behavior.
With my clients, I had gotten used to people saying yes; after all, they were paying for my advice. Parenthood was almost the exact opposite of anything I had experienced in my career.
I learned new things about myself
If I had to give parenting advice to anyone, I would say just take it one day at a time. Don’t expect too much. In fact, give up your own expectations. Don’t get too caught up in the things you think are failures. Be very patient.
In my old life I was really an alpha male: a big, strong man, the type who dominated a room. That was probably the most challenging transition of my old life; I’m not like that with my kids. I don’t want to be that either.
As a stay-at-home dad, I want to lead by example and give my children the opportunity to be their own person. They follow you in the things that suit them and will find their own ways to rebel against your boundaries even at a young age. So that was a real change for me, letting go of that dominance and control. I had to give that up. Obviously, I had to let go of an ego to do that and say, hey, it’s not about me anymore. My goal is different now.
I am often the only father in the group
Sometimes being the only dad in a sea of moms makes me understand that it’s an adjustment for everyone. It’s also a good way to break stereotypes.
But I have to admit that sometimes I felt like an outsider. When the pandemic hit, our doctor connected us to an online parenting group, and when I first visited, I was the only dad, and about half the moms were breastfeeding over Zoom. It was a general parenting session, but it felt very focused on moms, and I didn’t feel completely comfortable giving input at that meeting.
I do hear encouraging feedback from mothers. They usually say something like, “I’m going to tell my husband about you; maybe he gets inspiration from it.’ I paid a lot of attention to that. There is a consensus that husbands or male partners do not fully understand the complexities and challenges that life as a default parent brings. I know I didn’t before I started.
When the children eventually go to school, I will start coaching clients again. I will do this because I have learned more about myself in the last few years as a full-time father than I did in my 20 years as a police officer and semi-professional athlete. The biggest thing I learned? To recognize my own limitations.
I know I will miss my children when I go back to work. I really got to know them. They’ve taught me that it’s okay to step out of the box, which is a valuable lesson that I can hopefully pass on to them as they get older. As a stay-at-home dad, I’ve learned not only that it’s okay to step out of your comfort zone, but that it’s also important to do so. If you don’t get out of your comfort zone, you will never grow.