- A colleague asked me if I had the ‘nine-month flu’, but I wasn’t pregnant.
- The invasive question sent me into a spiral, so I started exercising more.
- I eventually told my boss and learned to set better boundaries at work.
As a married woman in my early 30s, there are places where I would expect to discuss whether I’m expecting a baby. An appointment with my gynecologist is one; talking to my husband is another. However, when I was asked this question by a colleague at work, I was completely blindsided.
It happened when I returned to the office after several days of working from home because I had a cold. When I logged on to my computer, a colleague appeared at my desk. When she asked how I was feeling, I assured her I was on the mend.
“Do you have the nine-month flu?” my colleague asked playfully.
Her words sunk in and I felt my face flush. I was shocked and mortified because I wasn’t pregnant.
“No, it is Certainly not,” I replied.
Surprisingly, I found it difficult to deal with the situation from then on, but I learned a valuable lesson about boundaries in the workplace.
I became self-conscious in the workplace
After the conversation with my colleague, I tried to focus my attention on my work again. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the audacity of her question. Her insensitive words stung as they repeated in my head.
I also wondered: had I gained weight? Maybe my blouse wasn’t as flattering on me as I thought in the mirror. Did I look particularly tired? I had just recovered from a cold.
Following my coworker’s comment, I found myself doubling my workouts at the gym and second-guessing my clothing choices. I even started working overtime, putting extra effort and improvement into my assignments while I fully recovered from my flu to dispel any false impressions.
I wondered if I should talk to my boss about it
The next few days I wondered if I should talk to HR or my boss about the situation. I searched the Internet for information on how to handle the situation, but came up empty-handed. When I confided in my close friends about the experience, they agreed that my colleague went too far. My husband sympathized, but advised me to dismiss the comment and not let it bother me.
Still unsure, I finally decided to inform my supervisor about the incident, hoping that the experience wouldn’t happen to other women in the workplace.
I didn’t want to come across as a petty chatter, so I was relieved that my conversation with my supervisor opened the door to a broader discussion about setting personal boundaries.
I now implement hard boundaries at work
As a childfree woman in my mid-thirties, I realized that I needed to better prepare myself for any future unsolicited questions about my reproductive plans.
I found a sense of comfort and community in reading Ruby Warrington’s “Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood.” The book is part memoir and part anthropological study of the various factors driving the global decline in birth rates. Warrington encourages parents to also read the book to learn how they can become better allies for childfree women in today’s society.
If the question comes up again, I’m ready with a different strategy: just ask the colleague why she wants to know.
That’s how Ketta Crawford, the vice president of People Operations at The Mom Project — a digital community dedicated to building a better workplace for women, parents, and the companies they support — told me she would handle the situation .
If answering the question is still uncomfortable, Crawford added that she might opt for simple language that sets a clear boundary, such as, “Thanks for asking, but that’s a personal matter that I don’t feel comfortable with at this time.” answered.”
And that’s something I’ll keep in mind as a childfree woman.